


Longing

by Melissy123



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gen, Kris gets drunk and mopey basically, M/M, Though it's only mentioned briefly, obsession era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23747137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melissy123/pseuds/Melissy123
Summary: Kris accidentally sees the new EXO release and it triggers more feelings then he thought it would. Maybe getting drunk wasn't the best idea, either.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Wu Yi Fan | Kris
Comments: 4
Kudos: 78





	Longing

**Author's Note:**

> I don't usually write EXO but I was in a serious Krisho mood and this is the result. Enjoy!

He tried not to pay attention to the promotions of his former band mates, it was easier not too. Kris had not left EXO under good terms and while he had tried to speak to them in the past, he had stopped trying soon enough. Most refused to talk to him and those that did had only been angry. Even Zitao, though he himself would leave and they had since made up to some degree, still felt that hint of betrayal. Kris saw it in his eyes, in the way he held himself back. Luhan was the most understanding, but at least some of the members still spoke to him. Minseok, Jongin, Chanyeol. He had discussed his plans to leave, though none had been happy about it. Kris on the other hand, had blindsided them. He knew that, he regretted that. 

He hadn't even told Junmyeon. 

Kris had left suddenly, without warning, unable to even stay around long enough to face them. He had been a coward. He knew that given the choice again, he would still leave EXO but he hoped he would do it differently. He didn't keep track of what his former band mates did because it reminded him of how much he had hurt them. He had seen those early interviews, he had seen each of them trying to keep themselves together. He hated thinking about that, about them. If he avoided them, if he avoided seeing them, hearing their voices, at least he didn't have to remember what he had done. 

He missed them more then he cared to admit though. 

Maybe they hadn't been together that long, but those bonds between them had formed quickly, each of them falling into their roles. Kris had been the father, the protector, the one that looked after them and more importantly, looked after Junmyeon. He had done his best while he was there, he had held Junmyeon while he cried, he had shielded him from the others when he needed to be alone, he had held him tightly, (he had done a lot of things that he tried not to think about too much). Sometime he wondered if anyone did that for him now. If he had found someone to replace Kris. He wasn't sure his heart could take it if he had. It was selfish, incredibly selfish given that he hadn't spoken to the other man since before he had left. He had tried, Junmyeon had never replied, had never answered his calls or texts, had never gave him a chance to explain. 

Kris deserved that he supposed. 

There had been others since he had left EXO, relationships that had never gone anywhere. He could hardly judge Junmyeon for moving on, it was the healthy thing to do and the not-selfish part of his mind hoped that he had. Of course, that didn't make it hurt any less. Wouldn't it be worse if he hadn't? If he lingered on Kris's memory as much as he did on Junmyeon. If every partner had never been able to compare to the one he had once had and left behind. 

This was why he preferred to avoid any mention of the name EXO. 

It dragged up too many unwanted memories, too many regrets and hurts. 

No matter how hard he tried though, it didn't always work. Kris couldn't drag his eyes away from the music video playing on the studio screens, it had been a terrible coincidence that it was his former group. They looked good, the music had changed but suited them well. There were fewer of them now with Minseok and Kyungsoo in the military but those that remained weren't any less for it. The concept was strong, the choreography was strong, Junmyeon had clearly been going to the gym a lot more. Kris wished he could focus on anything else, but he couldn't. He looked good, ridiculously good, the red of his suit contrasting against his pale skin, it made his mouth go dry and his heart rate pick up. 

He wished he could talk to him. Even if all he heard were angry words and the betrayal he had never had to face, Kris still wished he could talk to him. 

He missed him. 

* * *

Perhaps that night hadn't been the best night to drink away his sorrows, his mind still fixed firmly on Junmyeon and the family he had left behind. He might not have been there to see it, but Luhan had spoken about it once, the disbelief, the hurt, the betrayal. Sehun and Zitao had lashed out, Baekhyun had cursed him out, Kyungsoo had refused to cook anything that would even remotely remind any of them of him for months, he had broken Junmyeon's heart. That was the biggest thing, none of them had forgiven him for that. He didn't need to speak to them to know that. He imagined how all of their reactions would have played out, how Junmyeon would have struggled to keep his own emotions together for the sake of the group. He would have been so busy, under so much pressure, and all because of Kris. In his drunken state he couldn't help but play over every single scenario. He watched back all of their old videos, it was as if that one slip up had pushed open that door just enough to make him give in. It was no wonder he had drunk dialed the only ones that might understand. Luhan and Zitao both showed up to his apartment that night, Yixing with them. The latter being the only connection to the group that any of them really had. 

"I was wondering if I would ever get a call like this, Yifan," said Luhan, peering down at him, sympathetically. "You're drunk."

Yixing perched on the seat across from him, studying him, carefully. Although mostly based in China now, Kris had spoken very little with Yixing. His relationship with the company was complicated, but unlike the rest of them, he had not left EXO. He was following his path, he was doing what he loved, but he had never betrayed his family along the way. He was what Kris (and all of them perhaps) wished they could be. 

"You saw their comeback?" asked Yixing. His face was unreadable, he had such a kind heart, but he hid it now. Kris supposed that Yixing was simply doing what he should have been doing, protecting the group. He was the only one of the four of them that actively spoke to the members, that got to hear their voices, wish them happy birthdays and be in their lives even in a different country. 

"I miss them," Kris moaned out, watching the crisp movements of his former group on his television screen. Zitao frowned, and turned it off. If he did it with a hint of anger, then no one commented on it. "It's been five years, I know, but I miss them." 

"Them? Or him," questioned Yixing. 

"Both." Kris tried to reach out for another beer, but Luhan slapped his hand away. 

"Why now?" he asked. 

"Because he's drunk," muttered Zitao. 

Luhan looked at him, sharply, a warning look. Yixing sighed, "Because there was never any closure, there was too much left unsaid," he said, wisely. "Junmyeon loved you, Yifan. The kids, everyone. You leaving like that broke things that may not be able to be fixed." Kris felt the sudden urge to cry, everything hurt too much, his feelings whirled inside him like a typhoon. He felt sick, and it wasn't the alcohol. Yixing leaned forward, forcing him to meet his gaze. "You're drunk, but if you really miss them, why not talk to them?" 

Kris felt his breath catch, the others shifting around him. "They never would," he managed to get out, his throat tight, his heart beating fast again. His brain knew it was impossible, but his heart hoped otherwise. 

"I can't promise anything, besides maybe you won't have the courage once you're sober. But I can speak to Junmyeonie, I can give him your number and maybe he'll call, maybe he won't," said Yixing. "If you want to speak to any of them again, you know you will have to go through him first. The others would... disapprove, I think. Jongdae might be willing, Minseok hyung as well, but the others..." 

"Hate me?" 

"No, not hate." Yixing's voice was soft as he spoke. "Hurt, is all. Tao only started speaking to you again at the end of last year and he left EXO. How do you think the others feel? Sehun? Kyungsoo? Those two still hold their grudges and are protective of their eomma, you know that. Baekhyun I'm sure still has a few things he could say to you. Besides, as much as you miss them, we all know if you could choose one to speak too, it would be Junmyeon. It's not a secret Yifan, it never was." 

"You thought it was a secret?" said Luhan, incredulously. 

"Shut up," grumbled Kris.

"I'll make a call, but that's all I can promise, hyung." The use of Korean was pointed, a reference to the old days, to when they were twelve. His drunken brain was already starting to hurt. Yixing put a hand on his shoulder, "Sleep it off, no more drinking tonight, okay? It won't do anyone any good." 

* * *

His phone was ringing. It was so loud, it echoed in his brain. All he wanted was some quiet, his head hurt enough as it was. He'd had far too much to drink the night before, he knew that. He hadn't let his old group get into his head that much in years. It was meant to be in the past, it was meant to be over, it wasn't supposed to bother him anymore.

But it did. 

His phone continued to ring and he groaned. Then the memories came trickling back, what Yixing had told him he would do. Kris shot up in his bed, fumbling for his phone. Surely not, surely it was just a coincidence. The number was not one that he knew, but it was a Korean number. 

"Hello?" he answered, his voice hoarser then he might have liked. There was silence on the other end and something told Kris that he knew exactly who it was. Somehow, Yixing had come through. Somehow, Yixing had convinced his leader to talk to him or at the very least, hear him out. It was no easy task to say no to someone as well-meaning as Yixing he supposed. "Junmyeon? Is that you?" He let out a shaky breath. "I-if you don't want to talk that's okay, I understand. I saw your comeback, I didn't mean too, but I did. It was good, you guys are doing so well. I guess... I guess seeing you all on the screen like that reminded me what I left behind for the first time in a while. It's easy to forget when I look the other way, it's easy to pretend that I've moved on when I stay so busy but... I've missed you." Kris heard a shaky breath on the other end and he hated to think that the other was crying (he probably was though, and as usual it was his fault). "I've missed you and the others, I've missed Kyungsoo's food and the kids causing trouble, I've missed being in a group, having a family."

"You were the one that left it all behind," said Junmyeon, his voice quiet. 

Kris sucked in a sharp breath of air. He had spoken, they were actually talking after five long years. "I know," said Kris, thickly. "I know."

"You would do it again too." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. "Even knowing how much it hurt us, you would do it again." 

He cringed, Junmyeon knew him too well. He might not have explained anything to him, spoken to him about his doubts or thoughts, but he knew him too well to know that he would not have been able to stay in the group, not back then anyway. He wished he could say that he was wrong, but he wasn't. "I would do it differently," tried Kris. "I would have spoken to you at least." 

"But you didn't." This time, his voice was sharp. Kris supposed that while they had moved on, none of them had really gotten over the past. The edges were still raw, the anger still there. 

"No," agreed Kris. "No, I didn't. I'm sorry, Joon-ah." 

"Don't. Don't call me that, Yifan. That's not fair." He breathed deeply, as if trying to get his emotions under control. Kris was fairly certain he had the other sniff, the phone shuffling as he moved it away. 

"Junmyeon..." 

"Is there anything else you need to say, Yifan? I'm tired, I need to sleep before schedules later," he said. 

Kris panicked. He didn't want him to hang up yet, he didn't want to stop hearing Junmyeon's voice. What if it was another five years before he heard it again? "Junmyeon, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." There were so many other things he wanted to say. How much he missed him, how he missed holding him, kissing him, how much it had hurt him to leave. He had almost stayed, just for him and him alone. Back then, leaving without a word had been the only way he would be able to do it. If he had spoken to any of them, he would have changed his mind. If he had had to face Junmyeon, he would never have been able to go. But he had too, the company was killing him, he couldn't stay (Yixing managed too though, even if he didn't promote with the group so much anymore, he was still a part of it, he had never hurt any of them). "Don't go yet, talk to me, yell at me, something," continued Kris. "Anything." 

Junmyeon sighed, "I don't have anything to say, not anymore." 

"But-"

"I have to go Yifan, I'm sorry." The call ended before he could say anything else and Kris sighed, deeply. 

"Why are you apologising?" he whispered, even knowing that no one could hear him. "You don't need to apologise, you idiot." 

'I'm the one that's sorry.' 

Kris sent the message, adding the number into his phone even if he knew he shouldn't have. It was dangerous, it wasn't going to change anything. He had still left EXO, he had still sued the company. SM did not often allow it's artists to communicate with those that had left, at least not those that had left and sued the company on their way out. TVXQ could attest to that, it had been ten years since they had broken up and things were as broken as ever. Kris didn't know what he was hoping for, but now that he had started, he found he couldn't stop. Not again, not now he had heard his voice. 

He didn't expect Junmyeon to reply. 

But he did, a week later. 

'I know, Yifan.' 

It was small, but it was something. 

There was hope. For what, he did not know but there was hope nonetheless. Maybe one day, he would be able to see him again. Maybe one day, he would be able to see all of them again. Maybe one day, something could happen. 

**Author's Note:**

> This author very much enjoys kudos and comments (as long as they're nice comments, otherwise I'll be sads). Stay safe everyone! Make sure you're washing your hands!


End file.
